Parenting on a good day comes with challenges, but parenting during a crisis can leave parents questioning everything they ever thought they knew about parenting. Here are some tips for parenting through this difficult time.
Parenting on a good day comes with challenges, but parenting during a crisis can leave parents questioning everything they ever thought they knew about parenting. During the COVID-19 crisis, no parent is spared these extra challenges. The good news is, psychologists and counselors have been guiding parents through other types of crises (e.g., child suffering chronic illness, divorce, loss of loved ones, parenting suffering chronic illness, etc.), and have the expertise you need to know the best way to parent during the worst of situations. This article will focus on handling behavior challenges, and a future article will focus on helping children to cope emotionally with the current crisis.
When parenting during a crisis, it is important to strike a balance between “keeping things as close to ‘normal’ as possible” and “relaxing the rules because children/teens are going through enough as it is. Here are some things to keep in mind during this challenging time:
(1) Do not worry about the amount of ‘screen time’ a child or teen has during this crisis. The research indicating problems with ‘screen time’ is often overstated in the media, and there is no evidence that you will be doing harm to your child by allowing far more screen time during this crisis. In fact, if your children/teens connect with peers during screen time, it is extremely important that they be given leeway with this; their social connections with peers is an important component of their mental and emotional well-being in a time of crisis.
(2) Do not, under any circumstance, give in to your child’s desire to visit with friends. Do allow them to Facetime, Zoom, or otherwise video chat with their friends as much as you find reasonable.
(3) Do not allow inappropriate behavior to go unaddressed, but instead give gentle reminders of rules and expectations; avoid harsh criticism and punishment. So many things are ‘different’ during this time, that it is natural that children/teens may assume standard rules do not apply, or may even inadvertently have expectations ‘slip their mind.’ A gentle, “I know things are really different right now, but I still expect and need you to remember (to feed the dog, to be quiet when parent is on the phone, to talk nicely to your siblings, to be respectful, etc.). When necessary, provide negative consequences for continued inappropriate behavior, but do not be harsh. Use only the strategy necessary for a change in behavior; for some children/teens this may mean losing access to electronics for a day, while for others it may mean losing access to electronics for only a couple of hours. As always, do not use physical discipline, as this has been found to worsen behavior problems and increase risk of anxiety and depression (both immediately and in the future), and even addiction (later in life).
(4) Do be flexible, but consistently so. Do not allow today what will upset you if it occurs repeatedly for the next weeks and months. Changing rules and expectations is likely to confuse children/teens and would reasonably be expected to cause frustration, and even acting out. Be predictable; decide what is acceptable to you, and stick with it.
(5) Do have children/teens continue with regular chores, but do not fill their day with chores. This can be a good time to introduce and teach new chores (e.g., does your teenager know how to do their own laundry?), but again, do not fill their days with chores. Our responsibilities do not vanish simply because we are sequestered at home; rather, it is more important than ever that family members work together to ease the burden on each other and ‘get through this together.’
(6) Do create a ‘rough outline’ of a daily schedule for your children/teens; younger children may need more structure in their routine than older children/teens, but routines provide a sense of stability and predictability, which are important for our emotional well-being.
(7) Do remember that everyone needs time to themselves, including children and teenagers (and parents). However, do create specific times during each day that is ‘family time.’ Have dinner together (preferably without the TV on), watch their favorite TV show/movie with them, play board games, play outside, go for a walk (if in a safe neighborhood and no contact with others)…spend time together. Spending time with your children/teenagers lets them know that they are important to us, which is critical for providing emotional security in such a tumultuous time. We often do not have the opportunity to spend quality time together on a daily basis, given our usual work and school schedules, so take advantage of the time now; the relationship rewards will last long past the sequestration.
(8) Do talk to children/teenagers about the COVID-19 crisis, in a developmentally appropriate way, and tailored to the emotional and personality needs of your child. For younger children, it is appropriate not to give every scary detail, but yet still insist that sequestration/physical distancing is necessary for keeping everyone safe and healthy. If your child is prone to anxiety or depression, be especially cautious about guarding them from the most extreme and disturbing information about the virus and what is happening around the world. For older teenagers, especially if they are resistant to restriction of staying at home and not being with friends, it may be appropriate for them to be fully informed about the current situation (though you no your teenager best and are in the best position to determine how much information is appropriate for your child).
(9) Do acknowledge the feelings of your children/teens, and help them to put words to what they are experiencing. Feeling anxious, stressed, sad, frustrated, and even angry are normal responses to the COVID-19 crisis; in many ways, we are all grieving numerous losses during this time. Let your children know that their feelings or normal, that you experience them sometimes, too, and then help them identify healthy thoughts and strategies for reducing the troubling mood. Encourage them to share their feelings, to never be ashamed of their feelings, and to always look for ways to feel better (see articles on healthy coping for specific strategies that can be shared with your children). If your child seems to be struggling with applying the coping strategies, or if you feel that you need more direction, do not hesitate to reach out to a psychologist or counselor for guidance via telehealth services. We are here to help during this significant time of need.
(10) Do provide words of encouragement daily. We’re going to do everything we can to stay healthy and safe. We are helping our friends, our family, our neighbors, and our country by staying at home; it will be worth it in the end. We will get through this.
(11) Do remind yourself and your children/teenagers that this is temporary. We will one day return to our previous activities. It won’t be exactly the same, because our perspective will have changed (e.g., they may never again say, “I wish there was no such thing as school”), but we will be able to be with friends and family again, we will be able to play sports and go to events, and we will one day go back to our regular bedtime schedules and limits on electronic devices (so they do not expect that temporary changes in rules will be permanent).
(12) Do forgive yourself for the moments that you do not meet your own parenting standards. These are very difficult times and no one is perfect, even under the best of circumstances. Do the best you can…you will get through this!
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