Raising Resilient Children: It May be Easier Than You Think

As parents, we aim to raise our children in a manner that will allow them to be happy, successful, independent adults. We aim for them to have happy, safe childhoods with no trauma, fear or sadness. However, there are many things in life we cannot control, such as the COVID-19 crisis. The good news is that there are things we can do as parents to build resiliency in our children.

While some individuals who experience significant stress, trauma, or loss in childhood will carry emotional problems and scars throughout their life, the good news is that not all children will experience life-long problems even if the faced very difficult times in childhood…those are children we would consider ‘resilient.’ While some aspects of resiliency appear to be related to genetics, resiliency is a combination of nature and nurture, and there are things parents can do to ensure the ‘nurture’ side is built for resiliency. Here are two relatively simple steps that parents can take to help protect their children from the effects of adverse events.

One relatively simple way to build resiliency in children, and that may be easier now than ever before for some families, is to eat dinner together as a family 3 or more times a week. We know that routine provides predictability for children (and adults as well) and that predictability provides stability, which is a key component to fostering emotional well-being. Eating dinner together regularly (as many nights as possible) provides a predictable routine for children that also provides several other keys to emotional well-being. Having dinner together creates a time for communication that helps ensure parents and children stay connected; this is especially important during times of stress. Sometimes dinner conversations will seem trivial and unimportant; that's ok, because the important thing is that parents and children are spending time together and communicating. There will be times when discussion stumbles into far more serious areas, and this can occur much more easily if families are used to having conversations together. Some of you may wonder why families would not already by having conversations...but it is very easy for parents and teens to go their separate ways at home and not communicate very much at all; this can be greatly minimized (and even avoided) if families have a habit of eating together most nights. Children and teenagers also benefit from family dinners because it helps improve social skills. Research has indicated that, when families eat together regularly, children and teenagers have better emotional coping skills, are less likely to develop problems related to substance abuse (even as adults), are less likely to get in trouble with the law, and are less likely to drop out of school. The emotional coping skills children develop at home improve immediate coping with stressors (including reducing the negative impact of cyberbullying) as well as long term coping as adults.

So what are the important steps to take for family dinners? It's probably easier than you think. In fact, it does not matter what is eaten (sandwiches, frozen lasagna, gourmet style foods) or how it is prepared (homecooked, delivery, take-out). It also does not matter whether families eat off paper plates or fine china. It does not matter whether families at the kitchen counter, at the kitchen table, in the dining room, or in the living room. What matters is who is eating the meal together, and that distractions are minimized. Yes, the TV and devices need to be turned off during dinner, as these are distractions that are likely to impede communication and connection. It usually does not take more than 15 minutes to eat the actual meal...everyone in the family (including parents) can develop the habit of turning off electronics for those 15 minutes.

New research is suggesting another relatively simple thing we can do that is likely to build resiliency in our children…exercise. We have long known that exercise can help individuals who are already suffering with depression and anxiety, and that regular exercise is associated with improved sleep (which is a critical component in both psychological and physical health). But research also indicates that we can prevent depression, even in the midst of stressful situations that are often the trigger for depression. The chemical changes we experience in our body when we exercise appear to have a direct positive impact on our emotional well-being. Encourage children and teenagers to be physically active, and the more you can do together as a family, the better. Take a walk every night after dinner (if you live in a safe area). Play basketball in the driveway or at a local park. Have races in the yard and create silly obstacle courses (inside or outside). Ride bikes. Have family members take turns being the 'instructor' for family exercise time a few times each week. Be creative, but be active!

So while there may be much in the world that we cannot control, we can help improve our children's ability to be resilient, both in the short term and in the long term, by creating simple family routines that are both predictable and known to improve emotional coping.

As always, if you or your children are struggling with irritability, anxiety, depression, or relationship difficulties, reach out to a mental health professional for assistance. Telehealth services are available now.